I just smiled today.. the smile that i missed for weeks i guess.. the smile everyone miss? Lol

A smile that comes from within.. but i dont know till when again.. as i know he’ll probably gone again after.. and i know hell just here for now..

Why cant i erase the thought of him saying “forget me” i tried to erase it but i always remember the pain that caused me that when he said that..

Even the words that he said last saturday..

Friends? I know thats all he wants.. he dont like me anymore.. i know.. i really know.. its hard.. tearing me apart.. its scattering me into pieces.. cant we start all over? I know he doesnt want too.. as he said that yesterday..

I smiled but remembering that.. it fades..

Im decided.. as i think about so many things.. for the future… dont judge me.. im just thinking about the people that would be greatly affected in the near future.. specially Him.. and i dont want that to happen really.. as i cared so much..

I know that after that… he’ll go and leave me.. i know.. even he say the other way around.. 😭😭😭

I always remember the words “forget me and more words of saying farewell”.. its tearing me apart..

Please give me strenght if he do it.. lot of things on my mind now..

I already felt the changes coming.. now i cant help but eat.. Im starting to crave for foods.. and oh no… i dont like my dads scent! I find it disgusting!! But need to be careful..

Before i dont like to walk in malls but now.. im enjoying it as i try to see some baby clothes 🙂 i want to buy some baby dolls like nounous but i want it to be from him.. but i dont want it to be coming from me.. that is if he will give it.. if not.. ill just buy in last minute..

In every storm theres always a rainbow.. and soon ill be seeing one.. welcoming my child.. daniel klyde or diana kathleen 😍 isnt nice name?

I know ill be facing storms as i go home and explaining everything to everyone.. but as my personality.. i know they wouldnt dare to ask if i dont want to say any..

I know ill be hearing some harsh words.. and bitterness.. but im READY to face everything.. i know ill be hearing that this is a mistake.. but for me its not.. this is a blessing.. she will face the world with a loving and supportive mom..

I will try to fix our papers going to US after birth.. and try to visit France again after few years but not to see his father.. but to show her where does her father came from.. atleast I owe her that..

God please make me healthy.. and my little one inside my tummy.. I cant loose my little one..

I prayed for a happy days before I go.. even Ill be working till the day of my departure.  Ill be more careful and cautious..

Im expecting a baby by September 4 to September 18 2019 if i can make it in full term..

I can have my ultrasound by March to see his image..

Dont worry my child.. Mama is excited to see your image..

All i want is a nice exit with him.. what for? Just to have memories with him to share to our child..

I want to go again in rambouillet forest for the last time..

I want to take a walk from denfert to montparnasse..

I want to see him every morning in the metro till my departure..

I want a night with him..

After that.. probably ill just send him the pic of our child when i gave birth..

And in the future when i can come back here.. ill let him see our child even for 5 minutes..

Whatever it takes i need to be home..

We will be home..

Now i already said it.. i want to hide this for months.. but i don’t have a choice..

Please Mr. Fate.. what did i do for this things to happen? I dont have any regret in having a child.. i know its a blessing.. but a treatment coming from the father????!!!! Those words!! As if im the one who started all of this!!

Those dizzy days.. the days that i wanted to blow and vomit!! The hard mornings to get up.. haissssttt

Im leaving soon then ill be hearing harsh words!.. i tried to give him a hint before..

I need to gain weight

I need to drink vitamins

Life and death situation

Soon youll see me gaining weight..

Im always emotional

But i cant say it directly as i dont want to cause much troubles.. as i always think about his family..

Am i that bad person to be treated like this? As if im a trash! Yeah a trash!!

Dont worry my child.. i can show u the world.. ill be a good mom.. i wont see your father again.. ill keep you.. i know he doesnt want you to as he doesnt like me as well..

Come on my child.. be healthy.. bear with mama.. hang in there and mama loves you.. ill be healthy and we will be home soon.. dont get mad to your dad.. he is a good father to his child.. he is a good man.. we just barged in.. so we need to go..

Mr. Fate.. help me to raise my child to be a better person unlike me..

I really dont want to say it.. i want to keep it… but i need to..

I tried my best to hide this.. as i dont want an additional worriness but what can i do??? I just want a good memories for my child of his father..

Oh yes im pregnant.. im not going to hide her for long but i want to keep it for myself and my cousin as i dont want an additional burden to my parents..

I want to go home to make at peace in every where.. but things have changed as he became harsh and i dont need those in my condition.. i had enough stress this past few days.. i want to save my child.. i dont want to loose a child again.. haissstt.. im not a bad person.. i dont want to ruin a family.. a nice exit would be fine… haisssttt a night with him just to have something to say as my child grow about happy moments with his dad..

I dont want to have a bad memories with him.. so i can say to my child how good he is even we are apart..

I can provide everything.. i can give him the world.. ill be a good mom and dad to him.. just a memory and story about his dad would be of great help…

Haissssttt..  i want to cry as i keep on reading his last message.. as if im a terrible person to him.. i dont think i deserve this treatment as i always consider him in so many ways.. even in this part..

…..

Where is the man I used to like.. I used to want in the previous month?.. the sweet guy who makes me feel I’m special.. the man who told me he wanted to see me even if he’ll be late.. a man who wanted to sneak me out on there home.. a man who say sweet words.. I don’t know.. maybe it was just for that moment.. I’m not paranoid.. as I tried to read back the messages there are changes.. he called me honey before but now… I can count in my one hand how many times he did…

Maybe I’m time consuming and my time is running out…

Have a nice day