Struggles

Struggle is real.. I’ve been struggling for almost a month.. different struggles that makes me who am I as of the moment.. I really really dont know where am i..

I know that I am in complicated situation but I dont mind it all and won’t consider as one of my struggles as I’m handling it for so many years right now.. and it doesn’t affect my life much as I live my life..

The struggle started Jan 12 2019.. or probably earlier than that.. it’s when after his vacation, when he wants to call it OVER.. but then didn’t happened.. then January 12th.. when Her partner saw my message in WTSP.. So need to have so many explanations.. Jan 14th when I discover that I was Pregnant but I kept it with me and my cousin.. and on the same day I booked a flight going home.. it’s on the same week that he told me “Forget me”.. Jan 16 when I was about to tell him and beg to meet him but he refuses as he wants to focus to his family.. I am like a candle who were lit and left in dark… it’s on Jan 19 when every thing crash down.. when he wants me to forget him totally as in totally.. I felt like a trash as im really not feeling well in the past days.. because of emotional breakdown.. I cant control myself but to tell him that I am pregnant.. and talked.. and talked and talked..

On that same week.. I just knew that I was scammed by MR. WILLIAMS that scammed me for 1500 euro and my friend Michelle..  who also passed away in jail due to aneurysm..

The next struggle was decision making.. I really want to have the baby.. the baby that I can call mine.. I even bought baby clothes.. but then.. for Him I have to remove it.. it’s for his peace in the future.. probably for me as well.. but I dont care anymore for myself.. I dont care about the questions.. as i just wanted the child that I can give my love and raised well.. but the fact that his father has his own real family.. I dont want to bring complications on his side.. So I did.. even it’s too painful.. It’s life breaking thing to do.. as if the only chance of being happy was taken from me.. but need to think about him… it’s hard to sleep after that.. it’s hard to smile.. it’s hard to be happy..

And then.. 2 weeks ago.. my aunt who raised me.. whose been a mother and a best friend to me.. whose a breast cancer survivor is diagnosed again by an New cancer.. stage 4 liver and lung cancer.. this is the worst ever.. I really cant loose her.. I love her more than anyone else.. even more than  my mom..

I dont know if my emotions can last.. my mind is already full.. my heart is already crash down.. my body and soul is like a punching bag that was beaten by a boxer who undergo training for a boxing fight..

I’m still thinking about my child.. I’m trying to be ok.. to be happy.. even a little.. or pretending to be happy to everyone..

Atleast now.. he is happy.. no worries for the future.. he can leave me anytime he wants.. I just hope not too soon or I dont know what would happen to me emotionally and physically and mentally.. probably a year I’m already overcome everything and taking everything slowly..

To my aunt.. we’ll fight together.. I love you with all my heart..and you know that..

And Father Oh God.. Please.. don’t give me too much.. Please hold me.. Please..