Its been 2 days since the last message… and i dont know what happened.. im sad.. as in im really really sad.. and its killing me… i cant control my tears when im at work this afternoon… 😭😭😭😭

What did i do? Have Ive done wrong? What happened? Are you ok? Haissssttt…

Dont i deserve to be happy?.. i just wanted to be happy just a bit.. im not even asking for the normal routine.. just same and normal stuff that you offered me before.. but suddenly you are fading.. no sweetness.. even the word “honey”… Im not selfish.. Im not greedy..

Your getting cold… haissstt…

This is the doctor told me…

NO STRESS.. DONT THINK TO MUCH.. but i am.. im thinking what if??? What if i continue with the baby.. then i have a memories and something would be left for me now that he is leaving soon..

If i still have the baby.. i already seen the ultrasound… and ill be home.. and i have my own.. maybe ill be happy now..

I just wanted some time… few months more please.. dont leave me soon… or dont stop seeing me soon… you promised we’ll start on where we had before… where is your promise?.. is it just a word just to remove the baby?… is it that?..

My child.. im so sorry.. i thought mama will be alright without you.. i thought your father would not leave me soon… but he will.. 😭😭😭😭

I surrender.. i cried a lot these days.. I opened up my feelings to my aunt and my sister.. and explained the struggles that Ive been through this past YEARS.. how Im in deep shit and cried for entering marriage that i really dont want.. how tired am i in everything.. how i want to regain MY life that i can consider MINE.. how i want to be happy..

IM SO TIRED… AS IN IM SO TIRED.. TIRED of everything.. tired of giving.. tired of thinking of making other people happy.. tired of insisting.. tired of a lot of things.. tired of being a daughter.. tired of being a WIFE of someone who is not capable of loving and someone damn I really dont love!! Damn this papers!!

I want to escape from everything.. I wanted to go to a place that nobody knows me.. that i can start all over..

But didnt confess everything to them.. i want to cherish some memories i had this few months.. that made me happy even a short time.. that i know will be gone soon as he wants to resign and move to his place.. i know.. im one of the reasons why he wanted to resign.. to avoid me.. i wanted to beg not now.. i wanted to beg please give me more time.. you can go in few months but not these SOON.. leave me on the last quarter.. i wanted to be with you till summer… but im not selfish.. i cant and wont say him to stay more if he wanted to go.. but ill be in damn shit.. and i dont know what would happen to me as im in regaining myself.. please stay just till summer…

Pleaseeeee… 😭😭😭😭

Been sick since yesterday.. headaches and body pain with slight fever and colds..

But you know what’s the worst feeling.. seeing the pictures of my aunt undergoing chemotherapy.. and the doctors instructed to stop it.. As she was in deep pained for the 2nd dose of medicine.. and asked to come back tomorrow to continue.  Haiisssttt

I need a miracle hug.. I feel so tired and restless..

Maybe my favorite patient 🙂

I so adore this child.. he is so sweet.. and he made me smile every time we talked.. when I’m waking him up every morning then he’ll say Goodmorning Kathrine.. How’s your sleep? Did you sleep well? And I’ll just told him.  Goodmorning Bebe Boy 🙂 i sleep well so rise and shine it’s a better day today.. 🙂

I was just so touched during our conversation today..

ME: TALKING ON SKYPE VIA CHAT

ALEXANDER: HEY! Katherine look!! (Screaming)

ME: I immediately attend him “why? What had happened?”

A: look it’s snowing!! Your dream!! It’s much beautiful than the snow you’ve experienced in Paris..

K: yeahh it’s beautiful (smiling and staring at the snow)

A: are you happy now? I saw you crying yesterday..  And I prayed to please make your dream to snow come true.. and (leans on me(

K: (surprised and hugged him) I am happy.. I just cry yesterday about family problems about my aunt and some personal issues.. but I’m happy

A: please be happy Katherine. And thank you for making my vacation a happy one. Hope you can stay.

K: don’t make me cry again.. 🙂 common let’s just draw again and eat your cake..

I love this child already..

Is it bad to like a person? To care for him? Even he has a family? Im not taking away from him.. I’m happy on the side.. just on the side..

If im a bad person.. I can ruin the family.. but I cant.. and I won’t.. I even had a chance to do it when I still have his child but I didn’t..

I’m not like other girls who become an obsessive to a person.. even I know something’s about his gf.. but I never ever think of ruining them.. I respect him and the family.. that’s why I remove even my own happiness.. even the only thing that I can consider my own..

I’m dealing with my own sadness in the past few days.. I’m struggling on my  own.. the dream of carrying a baby of my own hunts me..

It’s what if i didnt remove it? Maybe I already can check his heart beat with the doctor.. and we are already in the Philippines..  trying to repaint a part of my room with light colors for my child..

I’m just sad and i dont know.. I just said I’m ok.. I’m good.. I’m better.. but I dont feel that I am..

It’s snowing outside.. pretty cold..

I had a minute or so of serious chat with him.. And it’s just makes me a little bit shocked and literally I choked when he said “REAL TRUE LOVER”.. Am I that selfish? Even I dont even think of having him for me for real.. I know he is temporary.. I mean yeahh having him for real cause i have him in real but not to extend of wanting him to be mine alone lool.. if he is infront of me ill punch him hahaha.. I know that I am a mistress and it is clear to my mind.. I’m happy with the spare times that he can give as i wanted to be with him.. to talk.. to walk.. to hug.. to kiss and to be with him..

Let’s just say.. I’m happy to be with him in a little time and to the time he can give.. A 15 mins walk.. A half day.. A movie time.. It’s a happy days.. I just hope and pray that he wont stop seeing me yet as I dont think I can bear it.. I really cant.. I already set my mind of being with him atleast a year.. atleast try to be with him to talk and be with him in every downfall of our lives..

Struggle is real.. I’ve been struggling for almost a month.. different struggles that makes me who am I as of the moment.. I really really dont know where am i..

I know that I am in complicated situation but I dont mind it all and won’t consider as one of my struggles as I’m handling it for so many years right now.. and it doesn’t affect my life much as I live my life..

The struggle started Jan 12 2019.. or probably earlier than that.. it’s when after his vacation, when he wants to call it OVER.. but then didn’t happened.. then January 12th.. when Her partner saw my message in WTSP.. So need to have so many explanations.. Jan 14th when I discover that I was Pregnant but I kept it with me and my cousin.. and on the same day I booked a flight going home.. it’s on the same week that he told me “Forget me”.. Jan 16 when I was about to tell him and beg to meet him but he refuses as he wants to focus to his family.. I am like a candle who were lit and left in dark… it’s on Jan 19 when every thing crash down.. when he wants me to forget him totally as in totally.. I felt like a trash as im really not feeling well in the past days.. because of emotional breakdown.. I cant control myself but to tell him that I am pregnant.. and talked.. and talked and talked..

On that same week.. I just knew that I was scammed by MR. WILLIAMS that scammed me for 1500 euro and my friend Michelle..  who also passed away in jail due to aneurysm..

The next struggle was decision making.. I really want to have the baby.. the baby that I can call mine.. I even bought baby clothes.. but then.. for Him I have to remove it.. it’s for his peace in the future.. probably for me as well.. but I dont care anymore for myself.. I dont care about the questions.. as i just wanted the child that I can give my love and raised well.. but the fact that his father has his own real family.. I dont want to bring complications on his side.. So I did.. even it’s too painful.. It’s life breaking thing to do.. as if the only chance of being happy was taken from me.. but need to think about him… it’s hard to sleep after that.. it’s hard to smile.. it’s hard to be happy..

And then.. 2 weeks ago.. my aunt who raised me.. whose been a mother and a best friend to me.. whose a breast cancer survivor is diagnosed again by an New cancer.. stage 4 liver and lung cancer.. this is the worst ever.. I really cant loose her.. I love her more than anyone else.. even more than  my mom..

I dont know if my emotions can last.. my mind is already full.. my heart is already crash down.. my body and soul is like a punching bag that was beaten by a boxer who undergo training for a boxing fight..

I’m still thinking about my child.. I’m trying to be ok.. to be happy.. even a little.. or pretending to be happy to everyone..

Atleast now.. he is happy.. no worries for the future.. he can leave me anytime he wants.. I just hope not too soon or I dont know what would happen to me emotionally and physically and mentally.. probably a year I’m already overcome everything and taking everything slowly..

To my aunt.. we’ll fight together.. I love you with all my heart..and you know that..

And Father Oh God.. Please.. don’t give me too much.. Please hold me.. Please..